If I'm Such a Good Woman, Why Am I Still Single?

First thing this morning, I get a call from a way back when.. friend. I hadn’t heard from this guy in maybe a year. He was just checking in on us. Shooting the breeze about the weather and some social media stuff. Then he asked what they all ask at the very end of the conversation… “When am I getting a wedding invitation?”

And so it is.. the pressure is back on. Somebody I've always known wants me to be married to someone.... Anyone.

As a single mom of a scholar, it’s been eons since I gave any serious thought to marriage. And now the juices are flowing. Hmmmmmmm.. wondering how I can make that happen? First. I've got to find the right one.

That doesn't mean I'm going to run out and buy a bridal magazine or join eHarmony, again. Although... those are not bad ideas.

To be honest though. About three years ago, Dennis Anglo drove down from Little Rock and Brothah Dan drove up from Houston. Sadly, both drove away with their tails tucked under. I believe there was some compatibility, but not "deep" enough for us to push forward with a long term relationship. The eHarmony matching system is not perfect. But from experience, I do believe it works better than the rest. I'm just glad the registration is foolishly time consuming and membership is not cheap. Or else those lookers and winkers on other dating sites would infiltrate and mess things up for everyone who is serious about matchmaking and life partnerships and marriage.

My friend made it a point to let me know how busy in life he was.. Then he sprinkled in some verbiage about how beautiful I am, and how he thought I was a really good woman. With that, I was reminded of the question he asked me one time at lunch a few years earlier, after a heated debate on the shenanigans of Bill Clinton. Drum roll.. here it is: "Do you think you and I could have made it in a relationship?" --My response.. "Maybe. If you'd been a good listener." 


If I'm such a good woman, why AM I still single? --
Since this was originally written in March 2010, and it is now July 2018, the answers to the questions below have changed a bit. 

What do I want in a man?
For starters, I'm looking for - dot dot dot...

My 2010 answers:
  1. Someone who will match MY energy, not drain it.
  2. Someone who is a good listener and pays attention to me with all of his senses. Not just his eyes and his hands.
  3. Friendship.
My 2018 answers:
  1. Someone who will match MY energy, not drain it.
  2. Someone who is a good listener and pays attention to me with all of his senses. Not just his eyes and his hands.
  3. Friendship.
Is that too much to ask for?
Usually, when I meet someone I consider a good catch, it turns out his vices are something like:

My 2010 answers:

  • His knees hurt and he's always complaining.. "I'm too old for this, and too old for that.. "
  • He's obsessed with facebook and text and instant messaging. Short brief comments in 140 characters or less, is not the way to get to know me.
  • And then there are the ones with ambition. Why do they even bother to introduce themselves and flatter me with politeness and charm if they don't have time to socialize? 
My 2018 answers:
  • He's got children between 1 and 15.. His evenings and weekends can't possibly belong to me.
  • He's obsessed with texting, sexting and those 2am calls
  • And then there are the ones obsessed with maintaining solvency. Why do they even bother to introduce themselves and flatter me with politeness and charm, dicpics and requests for pu**y&titpics if they don't have time to socialize?
The most memorable of all was my Nigerian Prince/Chef. He left a fortune 500 career to write a cookbook and create his own gourmet food and spice line. Our first date was a 5 course meal with candles, music and wine at his home.. Nothing more, nothing less. I loved it. I felt like Lisaraye must have when she hooked her some Mr. Prime Minister man. Only thing is.. I never was and never could be a gold digger.

Speaking of gold digger. Is it wrong for me to not want a broke man? Broken, I can deal with. Broken, I can heal with. Broke. I'm not so sure about.

  • Broke men are not the ones with ambition, they're just Hustlers, purposeful, just always going places and doing "things" all the time. Good hustlers, though. They're the ones who pay child support on time and don't dare miss a beat. Which is a darned good thing for his child(ren). But what's in it for me?
  • And then there are the guys with children they're fighting tooth and nail to get full custody of. Lordy! Their exes are .. to hear them tell it: psychopaths and drama queens. They seem to be telling me to wait until their kids are grown and gone and then we can really get it on. I thought the point of a relationship was to go through things together.. Get to know one another based on shared experiences over time. But to a man with baby mamma drama, I'd decline.
But back to my Nigerian Prince/Chef for a moment. Soon after we started seeing each other regularly, his business loan was approved. I was there for him, but he didn't invite me in. I contacted him last Christmas to discuss catering a fund raiser only to find his restaurant and food line had evolved. Man. He was a great guy. And I'd still be interested in him. But I could tell he was embarrassed to talk to me. He's a long ways from where he was trying to get ten years ago when we first met. 

In 2018, we're the best of Facebook friends. He likes nearly everything I post, especially personal achievements of mine and my daughter's. But I.. stopped following him.  He's reverent and poetic and... married, now.  I was no match for her. She's beautiful. Seemingly softer-spoken than I, and two feet shorter than he.  I'm sure her other attributes are worthy and becoming of him.  They are a beautiful couple from what I can see.  I  did get uncomfortable with his birthday greetings in my private messenger because I intentionally disable public postings on my Facebook wall.

All of this has me wondering..

Are men afraid of a woman like me?

I'm not needy. Even when I am. I never ask for anything. I've been offered sex when all I needed was a job.  I've been offered money, when all it was he had was twenty dollars.  I've been stalked and my car was broken in to by someone who wanted to take me out. Childhood friends come out of the woodworks even while they're still in the 'hood' works. Men with wives want me to use them. I've been engaged for months, wearing his ring, then come to find out he doesn't like green beans, and wants me to move to the country down the street from his mother, then tells me, all of my city-girl glitter isn't gold.. yet he calls me often, twenty years later after divorcing his high-school sweetheart. And the other I might have married, well.. his white mother and white sisters couldn't stand the fact that I -wasn't white.

And so, I've come to this... what I've heard Michael Baisden say often on the radio show..

"Don't you marry that man or that woman, unless you know how he or she handles adversity!"
And that, my friends.. Is probably why I'm still single. We don't interest each other long enough for me to find that out, or I find that out soon enough and I have to move on.

Since it's June 2018 now, and I'm done parenting and care-taking, for my only child and my mother can self manage; I am not on a man hunt. But I can be.  I feel no shame in doing what works and is fun for me.  What I cannot tolerate is, inequality in the methodology:  And I insist on being real not delusional about my real ass feelings and all that comes with that.. Texting. Sexing. Ghosting, local or long distance. - Other blog topics, to come under this category of - Secrets of the Goddess in Apt 10B.

ONE LAST THOUGHT.  To the Donald Trumps, Bill Cosbys, Greg Stewarts and Harvey Weinsteins of the world:  nobody wants to see your dick.  For the rest of you precious beautiful gorgeous guys: we probably do.  We're just like you.

Originally posted Saturday March 10, 2010 on this blog. 

| Original photo & prose copyright Jackie D. Rockwell | All Rights | 2018 |
Originally posted on this blog, July 22, 2010

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