Woman to Woman
The first time I ever felt any attraction to other women was pre-mommyhood and I was fully blown single and loving my single life. It was New Year's Eve in the A-T-L, 1991.
The previous October I'd broken up from a 3 year relationship with the man I probably would have married had it not been for his mother and sisters having a problem with me not being white. It was a long time coming, but we were finally over each other by Thanksgiving. From that point on, I partied like it was 1999. Almost immediately, I was dating someone else. I was in Atlanta. Duh? There was no romantic interest in this guy on my part. We managed to go out on a couple of lunch dates then he invited me out on New Year's Eve. Lordy, lordy.
I don't remember the exact location, but it was a high rise ballroom in downtown Atlanta. The air was crisp, the stars were bright, the people were beautiful and sexy for baby-making season. Especially, the women. There was hair and fragrance and adornments every where! I remember I wore black and blue. I sparkled and felt beautiful, too. My date loved to dance as much as I did. But I soon noticed, either him or his jacket hadn't been to the cleaners recently. He was fun, but I had to ditch that aroma. I literally walked away from him on the dance floor and never looked back.
By the stroke of midnight, I had lost complete track of him. I found a pay phone and called my mother to wish her a Happy New Year. I returned to the dance floor where people were still kissing and hugging and dancing. I embraced everyone who reached out to me. Men and women. That's when I noticed... "Wow! She's beautiful." And so is she. And her.. and her and her! Oh my. I wasn't confused. I was just extremely observant of the truth. That I wasn't the only one who looked fantastic and had beautifully calmed the angst over what outfit to wear and what to do with her hair.
This isn't a story about a discovery of any inner longings. It's just my first time observing that women are truly beautiful. And I understood why men think so.
Which brings me to this disclosure.
Fast forward to January 2010. I am a bonafide student of the Unity Movement. I attend every Sunday with my kid, and Mondays for the Course in Miracles Study group. And any other time there's a workshop by Byron Katie, Wayne Dyer, Bishop John Shelby Spong, Marrianne Williamson and the like. So... My senior minister is a woman. Our associate minister is a man. He's gay. She is.. beautiful and sharp and wise and stylish. She has a permeating smile and the capacity to remember and speak your name and look you in the eye when she talks to you, and she touches you with her whole hand. Every Sunday after the service, many congregants line up to meet and greet the ministers on the way out. I love my church, I love the ministers. So I usually show my love and support for them with a full embrace, and I always tell them I love them.
The very last time I hugged and said I love you to my senior minister, I think I over did it. Telling her how "gorgeous" she was that day. I was ridiculously ecstatic. And as I walked away, a strange feeling came over me. Could she possibly think that I am attracted to her?
I never want to give the impression that I am something that I'm not. So I've been avoiding the meet and greet line ever since... Even when I attend in 2018.
Hey.. Kelly McGillis (of Top Gun fame) came out in 2009. Saying.. she's done with the man thing. I remember thinking.. More men for the rest of us! As did Alex P. Keaton's mom.. Meredith Baxter. I always felt something was up with her, though. These moms were married to men and making babies for years, then decided to get real and honest about who they are and who they want to love.
As for me.. I am for sure a lover of men. Although religion and culture has programmed us through overt biblical and social messages that women belong with men and not other women. I could never be so dissociated from the genuine light of self-awareness to engage in a physical, romantic or otherwise sexual relationship with another woman. That's not my pleasure. Nor am I offended or judgmental of anyone else who does.
Life is too good and can be too short for prejudice of any kind.
Image by: Unknown: Please advise.
Anyone can teach you about love... but I can make you good at it!
| This original photo & commentary by Jackie D. Rockwell |All Rights Reserved © 2008-2017 |