I’m not searching for my other half because I’m not a half.

The article below originally published on a different blogspot owned by Jackie D. Rockwell on Saturday March 28, 2010, when she was forty something and single parenting.. Over a decade later, she is still single and for the same reasons. But the stakes are higher now. At fifty something, she has boundaries, hella inhibitions plus creative ambitions, and is a gourmet cook. She is self conscious (a little), injured, more learned, wiser, saner, less solvent (I’m in art school), sensitive, and smart.

First thing this morning, I get a call from a way back when.. friend. I hadn’t heard from this friend in maybe a year. He was just checking in on me and my daughter. Shooting the breeze about the weather and some FB photos. Then he asked what they all ask at the very end of the conversation… “When am I getting a wedding invitation?”

And so it is.. the pressure is back on.

It’s been eons since I gave any serious thought to marriage. And now my juices are flowing. Hmmmmmmm.. wondering how I can make that happen? First. I've got to find the right man to marry.

That doesn't mean I'm going to run out and buy a bridal magazine or join eHarmony, again. Although... that's not such a bad idea.

To be honest, though. About three years ago, Dennis drove down from Little Rock and Dan drove up from Houston. Sadly, both drove away with their tails tucked under. I believe there was some compatibility, but not deep enough. The eHarmony matching system is not perfect. But from experience, I do believe it works better than the rest. I'm just glad the registration is foolishly time consuming and membership is not cheap. Or else those lookers and winkers on other personals sites, would infiltrate and mess things up for everyone.

Anyway.. My friend that called this morning, made it a point to let me know he's busy.. Then he sprinkled in some flattery about how beautiful I am, and how he thought I was a really good woman. With that, I was reminded of the question he asked me one time at lunch, after a heated debate on the shenanigans of Bill Clinton. He asked me.. "Do you think you and I could have made it in a relationship?" --I told him.. "Maybe. If you'd been a good listener." In actuality, the answer should have be”No.”


If I'm such a good woman, though? How come I'm still single?

What do I want in a man?

For starters, I'm looking for ..

  1. Someone who will match MY energy. Not drain it.
  2. Someone who is a good listener and pays attention to me.. with all of his senses. Not just his eyes and his hands.
  3. Friendship.
Is that too much to ask for?

Usually, when I meet someone I consider a good catch, it turns out he has these unnecessary vices like:

  • His knees hurt and he's always complaining.. "I'm too old for that.. "

  • He's obsessed with facebook and text and instant messaging. Short brief comments in 140 characters or less, is not the way to get to know me.

  • And then there are the ones with ambition. Why do they even bother to introduce themselves and flatter me with.. politeness and charm if they don't have time to socialize? 

The most memorable was the Nigerian Prince Chef. He quit a fortune 500 career to write a cookbook and create his own gourmet food line. Our first date was a 5 course meal and candles and music at his home.. Nothing more, nothing less. I loved it! I felt like Lisaraye First Lady.. must have when she hooked her some Mr. Prime Minister man! Only thing is.. I'm not a gold digger.

Speaking of gold digger. Is it wrong for me to not want a broke man? Broken, I can deal with. Broken, I can heal with. Broke. I'm not so sure about.

  • Broke men are not the ones with ambition, they're just hustlers. Good hustlers, too! They're the ones who pay child support on time and don't dare miss a beat. Which is a darned good thing. But what's in it for me?
  • And then there are the guys with children they're fighting tooth and nail to get full custody of. Lordy! They seem to be telling me to wait until their kids are grown and gone and then, we can really get it on. I thought the point of a relationship was to go through things together.. Get to know one another based on shared experiences over time.
Back to my Nigerian Chef for a moment. Soon after we started dating, his business loan was approved. I tried to be there for him, but he didn't invite me in. I contacted him last Christmas to discuss catering a fund raiser only to find his restaurant and food line is no longer. Man! He was a great catch. And I'd still be interested in him. But he seemed embarrassed to talk to me. He's a long ways from where he was trying to get ten years ago when we first met.

All of this has me wondering..

Are men afraid of a woman like me?

I'm not needy. Even when I am. I never ask for anything.

And so, I've come to this... what I've heard Michael Baisden say often on the radio..

"Don't you marry that man or that woman, unless you know how he or she handles adversity!"

And that, my friends.. Is probably why I'm still single.

 Anyone can teach you about love. I can make you good at it!

| Photo & Prose by Jackie D. Rockwell |All Rights Reserved © 2008-2021|