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Ain’t I a Straight Woman?

My current experience as a premium theeHarmony member is no kind of comfort during this latest Texas freeze. It’s toasty in here though, mother, and the pipes are not frozen. 

And I am years devoid of the warmth of some deep compatibility. The demigods of online match-making must have read my mind, as Roku and Spectrum commercials and ads proliferate my feed, guided me to some - serenity? 

Yes.. two years of concussion recovery and pandemic isolation have all but forced me to live the Serenity Prayer. You know? The part asking God to grant “Courage to change the things I can..” People always imply you’re single because you don’t put yourself out there. Out where? It’s a pandemic.

2018 I Tindered for research, and Hinged I’ve considered, but even beWorded With beFriended couldn't save me when I'm so not one to lust long and dicpics are...welp, -they less reflect prowess but deprecation of self (For the fellas w/dics). I've just wanted romance and discovery and inner peace with a hard-to-come-by, healthy desirable person. Jesus? Ancestors? Hear me on this?

Living in the SpiritJewel that is my grandmother’s house, things randomly resurface, like pics of past boyfriends I’d forgotten I had. Do all grandmother’s keep every picture of all your men? Like Jeff and me at the fair in Meridian, Mississippi in 1981? Why would these be amongst her possessions? 

Even at 18, my grandmother and mother, thought every man I dated was sent by God to marry. 

And recently, God granted the re-manifestation of Robert. I was always concerned for him, but never imagined ever talking to him again, let alone getting pictures of me from him, that he's held onto for decades. (Ya’ll know.. There’s something about a fine-ass Black men who after 30 years, can still calm you, and perfect your nadi shodhana.  As it turns out, retirement for him is now his cinematic journey, and there's no telling whatever else he’s got inviting him to play these days.

Realizing my path to companionship and intimacy has nothing to do with the brick wall I’ve hit with men from my past; Life with a capital L, challenged me with a new awareness. The awareness of an educated, accomplished, beautiful, engaging Black professional woman. You heard me. A woman, got my attention. Stirred up the pot about the enigma of eros. Beautiful in regards to how sacred she presents vs any sexuality that comes along with her human form.

In my Harriet Tubman voice: Wow. But ain’t I a straight woman?

Testing my new awareness, theeHarmony was the vehicle of choice I thought, to lead me to some devoted serenity.
au contraire!

As a woman seeking a woman I was excited to maybe go freshly somewhere. Hell yeah. Then Oh no. Winks and Waves and Thumbs Up felt too much like the woman seeking a man rodeo game. Bored with the teasers I decided not to play anymore. I was mistaken that women seeking women would not be characteristically afraid to commit with hard cash. Revealing paid for memberships means women are up and ready to make connections without trepidation. I also found that women’s photos and profiles were just as unthoughtful and indifferent as many profiles of men on these dating sites. I was pissed to realize that theeHarmony is just another parking lot. 

I am not going to put my pictures and profile there amongst the junk parts for ugly truckers in hats to gaze at.  

That curious flower in me has lost all her petals. As I am thoroughly done with any more exploration into real blind and unbiased attraction to like-gendered souls. It’s phenomenally too risky. Not for me, but for someone who would be genuinely attracted to me. As this was not a game I was playing for some kind of healing, it was a real place I resided with gentle and generous energy and intention. And it was not a mistake. The desire for Love had everything to do with it. 

So in the end, the technical challenge of my “seeking woman” phase, grants me Serenity in my dedicated “straight" nature. Courage in my willingness to be honest and open and curious about my fluid sexuality and desires.  And Wisdom in enlightenment to my original attraction to cisgender men.

I’m good with that. 





Namaste

Anyone can teach you about love. I can make you good at it.
| Photo & Prose, Jackie D. Rockwell | All Rights Reserved © 2008 - 2022 |