An invisible thing called Post Concussion Syndrome makes the simplest of tasks require more effort of me. More effort to process your spoken or written words. More effort to formulate thoughtful words of my own. More effort to listen intently, and more effort to patiently contend with your challenges, let along my own. I’ve had all of this and more going on for two years since my head hit the bricks, and I've still managed to squeeze in some love for myself about the new condition of my temperament.
Before TBI, I was a no none-sense kind of woman. I’m still her, with a sharper Third Eye that jumps right to the heart of things - as a matter of conservation. B.S., contradictions, confusion, trickery, deception, micro-aggressions, drunkenness, foolery, intimidations, egoism, sarcasm, racism, technicalities, and even innocent misunderstandings trigger protection of my eco-system.. Telling me do not engage. And I don’t (most times). Move on. And I do (most times). Results? Solar Plexus balanced. Personal countenance maintained. Natural energy sustained. All is well. Most times.
The times when I do engage and don’t move on, well. I am the drumming bunny on its last run.
Which is why, some of you reading this may have experienced a disconnect from me lately. One day it was “yes,” the next day, it’s a hard “oh, hell no.” Not because of you, but because of me.
For TBI patients, and I would venture to guess, all chronically ill patients, all it takes is a complication of any sort to trigger imbalance. For me? It’s imbalance and often distaste. I’ve recently spent hours cancelling subscriptions, evaluating and closing accounts due to bad behavior. Mercury must have been retrograde because for a while there, as I’ve been on a roll getting rid of shit that’s pushed me to the edge.
Expecting excellent customer service is a wash since this pandemic. Bickering, mockery, prejudice, proselytizing, shortens my fuze and sends me to the nearest exit. But I am practicing a new balancing act and giving it high marks. My occupational therapist asked me to use it to avoid depletion of my energy and for the purpose of body, mind and soul balance. Simply put, it allows me to really get back to being in love with people because I’ve been too long feeling like I can’t trust any one. Even therapists and mental health practitioners and lay people in ministry trying way too hard, can come across as bullies and experts with god complexes.
A new friend mentioned the similarity to the Spoon Theory. On any given day I personally have a five-spoon limit. Someone else might have twenty. My day told in spoons: I govern well even when a big spoon is needed. But only one big spoon daily, planned or spontaneous is do-able. Once big spoon happens, I am out for the count. The big spoon, good or bad, completes major tasking no matter what order it occurs in my day. And the measure of the big spoon isn’t about you it’s about how my brain interprets the matter. And not recharging from a big spoon event before moving on, is detrimental to my entire sense of balance.
So when I dine, when I fellowship, when I socialize, when I shop online or in person, when I simply live my life outside the box that is my house.. I..
Don’t waste my spoons. And I won’t let you waste my spoons.
My vibe is to opt in fully to life sustainability and a wholistic approach that will outlast anything that is trending, from leggings to enchiladas. I feel in gratitude to this practice and the people I am attracting who want this for themselves and who practice and teach it, and support me where I am in this, as well. Sustainability is as easy as giving up Texas Sweet Tea with white refined sugar and using Stevia instead. It ain't the same, but I’m telling you the truth, it’s better for you.
And sustainability is my lifestyle focus now. I’m composting now. I’m spending less on trendy wasteful planet and climate destroyers that, for example, require jet fuel to get to me. I know for a fact that a huge part of my imbalance in life is based on the fact that I’ve been contributing ridiculously to the clutter that keeps poor people struggling to eat, breathe, learn and just live. I do not want riches any more. I want sustainability for myself and for others.
I’ll say it again and again... Your Gifts Will Make Room For You.. Don’t be fooled to follow the many operating in their gifts.
Her gift may not be your gift. Test it.
YOUR GIFTS are absolute and will make room for you. Trust that.
You will continually learn to hone YOUR GIFTS.
- It will be done. You will know. You will love it.
Anyone can teach you about love. I can make you good at it.
| Photo & Prose by Jackie D. Rockwell |All Rights Reserved © 2008-2022 |