Monday, March 14, 2016

Seeking an Equal

My only child is about to graduate college and enter her first year in graduate school as a PhD student.  Yes, I'm proud but mostly happy for her.  My best friend says, "She came here with the gift of learning."  I nurtured a really great kid into this truly wonderful adult.  There is just one issue.  I raised her as a single mom.  And four years after getting her through college, I'm still single.  I'm not desperate for a man by any stretch.  My life is pretty full. Even when I'm bored.  The great news is; she's had her cat with her since August and I'm free to --move about the cabin, so-to-speak.  Unaccompanied.  Feels good on one hand; feels like crap on the other.

I'm tempted to turn on to online dating again.  I've had a couple of very successful rounds with it over the years. I've met really good guys.  Most were ambitious entrepreneurs, that came with everything up front and on the side... A few had unnecessary vices, and I suppose none of them offered deep compatibility.  I don't do unnecessary vices with men, and deep compatibility is essential if we're dating. A handful were just nuts, on my nutz scale of 1-10 these guys were 7s, 8s and 9s. How can I get to know someone who moves too fast, and has porn on his TV for me to accidentally discover?  Or someone who works for the Feds, carries a gun, and has serious anger issues?  And these were just the two that I went from middle school to high school with who found me on social media!  The worst from my online dating collection: The recently divorced guy with a one year old daughter, he was fascinated with my high performance car and hankered for a Bentley and mansion of his own. Another was an IT pro/aspiring undertaker who drove all the way from Houston to meet me.. He was nothing like his profile photo that presented him as a cyclist.  Another owned a postal service center, was a heavy smoker who didn't check his work related stress at the restaurant door on our first date.  Another, whom I never met, claimed he was a high school principal and our first phone conversation was like a job interview.  The one standing out in the heap? He claimed to be a widower and single dad. He managed to show up for 3 out of 6 dates including a 12 hour St Patricks Day house party! It didn't help that we'd met at the beginning of tornado season.  He owns a windows and doors business.  He was a smooth operator who stole my heart when he did show up.  I regretted that he didn't have time for me.  I was quietly insane over him.  I called him a year and a half later and he told me he was married. My intuition tells me he lied about his wife being dead.

But the hardest obstacle to overcome as a single woman is living in a community where interracial couples abound, and being of the brown skin persuasion, I wasn't getting any hits from any single guys either way.  Even on New Years' Eve! Yikes! I had a crazy commute to a job where single male colleagues were deeply religious or were arrogant and or had phallocentric tendencies. And everybody else on both sides of town was married. There's no escaping the plight!

So what's a girl to do?

In my early twenties, I dated someone a little older and he told me this:  "There is nothing about you that no man wouldn't love."  He and I lasted a good while, but he was also the Navy submariner who married and divorced the mother of his children, twice by the time we'd met.  But whenever I'm in a slump about my status as a single woman, I think of what he told me.  "There is nothing about you that no man wouldn't love." 
When I ditch my inhibitions about presenting myself to a man I find attractive, I just go for it. Because I know what's true: There is nothing about me that no man wouldn't love... Not back then. Not now.  So, I do approach men I'm interested in when it seems they're approachable. It's unfortunate that the most attractive scared ones or disinterested ones don't bother to say "No, thank you."  They don't know how? Or is it they just have no manners?   Rude and personal means unforgivable.

This is my confession:  I am a weirdo looking for a weirdo.
& my weirdo is close by. I can feel it.

And don't you just love the graphic in this post? Found it on Facebook. If you are or know the creator, please allow me to keep this here. Thank you.

What's in this story for you?  Well...  Do not hook up with any man or woman unless you know and are okay with how they handle adversity.  The ones that get away.  It's just as well.  Trust this.

Oh. And if it's good enough for me it's good enough for you  --   THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT YOU THAT NO MAN WOULDN'T LOVE.

Happy Monday!
Be well.

 Anyone can teach you about love... but I can make you good at it!
| The creator of this graphic is unknown | Commentary by Jackie D. Rockwell , All Rights Reserved © 2016 |

Saturday, March 12, 2016

What are you tired of?

I rarely feel so frustrated that what's in my head comes out of my mouth.  Yesterday it happened and I've felt nothing but remorse.  Not only because the person I was speaking with was my mother, but also because the universe could here me.  For this brief break from contentment I got the council of Holy Spirit in the form of an unusually sleepless night... that had nothing to do with..ahem..estrogen.  For you see, while chatting about a future occurrence, I expressed -on repeat, that... I was tired of this and tired of that and tired of this'n that!  My statements made us laugh but only hours later did I realize, I'd wasted good energy expressing ingratitude for my mother to hear.  Surrounded by nothing but love --I decided to complain. Outloud. I'm not so perfect that I don't complain, I'm just mindful enough that I don't generally do it in front of my mother.  She's a chronic pain patient with her own sorrows, and she's a worrier to boot.  I tend to (or rather pretend to in this instance) protect her from what's going on within me.  She got a clue yesterday. Oooh... I don't worry that the law of attraction will give me, ad infinitum, more of what I was asking for... Tiredness.  But because I believe my so called tiredness fueled my mother's anxiety about what she deems as secrets I keep from her, the Holy Spirit used this to teach me (in one sleepless night) to keep certain frustrations to myself, and especially in the company of certain others.  Shall I apologize to my mother? Yes. I'll make it up to her in good deeds to let her see that I'm really not ungrateful and tired of things, but what I meant to say was... I'm so grateful for the opportunity to move in the direction of my highest good.  You see the difference?  When we complain, we bring others down and exacerbate their pain or discontentment or kill their joy.  When we say thank you, we are saying to God..."I will there be light;" we are teaching others to do the same; lifting them up, spreading love, and relieving pain all in the same breath!  Oh. I hear the hallelujah song coming on.  Be well today.

Thursday, March 10, 2016